I hate my skin.
I have acne on my face, my shoulders, occasionally on my boobs. My scalp constantly flakes and itches. I get folliculitus and random pimples all over my body whether I remove the hair or not. Whenever I'm stressed my whole body itches and my skin crawls and the only relief is to scratch and pick at it until it bleeds.
In fact I'm covered in scars just from stress induced scratching. Even typing this it feels like there are imaginary ants running around all over me.
I have tried every medicine both over the counter and prescribed for my acne. Every wash and cream and treatment. But my I am still littered with cysts and pappules and pustules. Applying makeup to them makes them physically hurt because the skin on my face is too sore. So I am constantly there looking spotty. I should also mention I'm 23 and actually when I was younger my skin wasn't too bad but now...I avoid mirrors.
I'm not saying that my case is the worst in the world. But it affects so deeply. I spend all my time researching chemical peels and acne clearing diets. Skin healing vitamins and exercise regimes to help. Nothing does. I bring it up with my GP time after time.
But it's never been seen as a priority because I had bigger health issues to worry about (mental health).
I've spent so long looking at the causes of acne, how to stop scratching and skin picking. That I'm desperate for help, for answers and for a cure. But there's no help out there.
Acne support groups or acne charities don't exist. There's millions of #acnepositive influencers who all tout their own miracle cure. Nothing real or definite. Nothing that tackles the disgust it makes me feel towards myself or the disgusted stares you get when a spot starts to bleed in public because you couldn't help but scratch as you got out of the car. The blood stains or pus marks that show up on your mask within an hour of wearing it because it irritates your skin.
I do wonder though, how much of it is in my head. Compared to what's real. Maybe to other people I come across as confident empowered. Maybe they look me and think I should be more concerned about my weight, or that being so upset over my skin when people are dying of covid is vain. Maybe they're right. I think everybody has insecurities and they're all equally valid to that individual. But isn't it tragic we all hate something about us so much.
So I'm going to the doctors again and I'm going to fight for answers. I'm also going to use that same determination to stop hating myself for something I can't change through will power alone. Wish me luck