There's something really scary about telling someone those deep dark thoughts, whether it's to a partner, a friend or a therapist. It puts your stomach in knots, they won't understand. They'll be angry, they'll judge you.
Knowing what to say or how to word it, which details are important and which you want to keep sacred to you, they won't leave your tongue, stuck, like in a dream when you want to scream but nothing comes out.
Then there's the other problem. Once you've started that first sentence, cracked the damn and the rest of the words come pouring out, and uncontrollable tsunami of emotion and fear, that you get swept away in. Unable to stop it or slow it, or limit what you say. Not able to protect any part of yourself. Equally trapped.
Neither is better than worse. Either if you can't talk you feel strangled by the words stuck in you throat and if you can, you drown in them.
But opening up about those horrible bits, is so important, you have to try and keep trying. Like any skill it takes time and practice. You might get it wrong the first time, the second and maybe those relationships will end, or will be difficult for a while. I can't count the number of people I've dated when you tell them you want to take it slow because you were raped or you mention that you're on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. Those people they can't handle it and that's okay. They have the choice to walk away. Wouldn't you? If you didn't have to deal with it wouldn't you choose to do that too?
It's one way to wheedle out who thinks you're worth it, because they stay with you. That doesn't mean that they know what to do or how to help. It doesn't mean that anything is going to be easy. Those people, are often the ones to make speaking out worth it. That opening up is tolerable with. No matter what you tell them. They wipe away your tears. Bring you a cuppa tea. Sit with you and just listen. Maybe even share with you.
You don't always have to feel so alone. Spending so long trapped by those awful thoughts, those memories. Don't let them win. That gives it some much more power. You need a team. Support. But to get that you have to take that first step and let someone in. It's your choice who you tell. When you tell, and if you can control that tsunami, how much you tell. It doesn't have to feel like a total surrender. I used to hate opening up because I'd cry, but then I read that tears are just your brains way of releasing the overload of hormones it's experiencing that are your emotions. That doesn't seem so bad, not weak, not shameful. Just another part of being human.
So if you're sat there with too many thoughts in your head. That are cutting you off from those around you. Find someone to tell, find your own way to tell and take that control. You can write it, sing it, spell it out in peas, whisper it to someone, scream it. Just please take that step. It could save your life.